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As most of you know, I have most of my poetry and photography in storage. (hundreds) I won't rehash the reasons.
I haven't been listening to music very much nor writing very much poetry, but I have posted a couple of poems that came to me recently.

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My husband Chris went home to be with the Lord on Thursday morning, March 26, 2015. You think you know how much you are going to hurt but you can't fully register it until it happens.

His Alzheimer's was going to take his life but it happened so much sooner and suddenly that I ever imagined. 

Now I am left devastated and regretting so much, wishing I had been a better wife when he was well. 

I am moving to South Dakota next week. Never been there but I have lady pastor friend who will help me get back on my feet. I covet your prayers. 
  • Mood: Sorrow

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Being a caregiver has knocked me on my ass like I never imagined such a thing could do. And now that my husband is back from his week of respite care, he's sleeping more. Not sure if that's the disease or the meds. he's so compliant. Come on, baby, where's your fight?

We've had a fundraiser going since July and it's slow going, even after a very generous donation from the GoFundMe folks. We just can't seem to raise money like the folks with stray kittens and puppies. 
I get discouraged and think I should shut it down and return the donations but then someone will donate, and I'll take it as a sign from God to keep going. Whether that's actually a sign from God--I don't really know. 

I wish I were on some mood stabilizing meds. I might have more friends. No, seriously. I never know when to trust my brain much less my heart. When I first wake up in the mornings, I'll think that the fundraiser is a stupid idea and we aren't going anywhere. We will both probably die in Florida and isn't that the dream of many Northerners right now? 

As the day gains momentum I start thinking and dreaming and hoping and my determination is renewed. Poor Chris and his damn credit issues which I am powerless to handle at this point. We need someone to cut us some major slack. We need a major miracle. Do I pray for that miracle or just sit and wait for Chris to die?

I hate the apt we live in. It's disgusting. Worst of all, it's 2nd floor and we can't afford to move for the same reason we can't get up north. When they brought him home from respite recently, he was so pumped up with meds for agitation that he couldn't stand. This is not uncommon with Alz patients. However, the ambulance guys said their gourney thing would not make it up the stairs. So the 3 of up carried him up the steps in the bedsheet. It looked so pitiful and scared me to death.

We need to move up north. If not that, then we need to move to a first floor. I've requested to be put on the infinitely long wait list here at the crappy apts. No reply. It could take a year. What the hell will I do if there's a fire drill thing? Some days he can make it up the steps slowly and some days, not a chance. 

I don't understand why God hasnt' made the churches more open to us. We have been shoved under the bus by the Episcoplians and Presbyterians in Houston, the Episcopalians, Anglicans and Lutherans here in Orlando. God, IF we have to be stuck here, why can't we have a church???

Now, a huge old filling fell out. It needs a crown. I cannot afford one. NO way in hell will I take the money from our fundraiser because it would take years to replace the money. More year than we've got. 
It doen't help that I'm paying for my daughter's root canal. She just used me and blows her money on crap. 

Oh, and I've lost a significant portion of my hearing from my right ear. I hate talking on the phone because of it. I don't know if it can be fixed with an aid or not because I don't qualify for Obamacare. 

Trying to hang on to my faith for Lent. 
  • Listening to: Broken Hallelujah--The After
  • Reading: Lutherans in America: A New History
  • Playing: house
Honestly, if dA had a newsfeed where I could get the hard news, I'd  be on here for good and leave crappy Facebook and Twitter behind. 

deviantID

Blanzeflor
Imagining Flying
United States
Current Residence: My home is in my head. HOusTon to you.
Favourite photographer: Mattioli13, Erriewon, Tangledweb, Karil
Favourite style of art: fantasy, surreal, black & white photography
Operating System: estrogen and being ADHD
MP3 player of choice: part of the unwashed masses enslaved to the iPod cartel
Shell of choice: One with a pearl in it
Wallpaper of choice: Something easily removable--I hate commitment.
Skin of choice: younger
Favourite cartoon character: Mitsuru Kirijyo Scooby Saya & Hagi Sasake & Sakura Namine & Roxas
Personal Quote: Entering one’s study & touching the books can brighten one’s mood..King Chongjo
Interests
My husband Chris went home to be with the Lord on Thursday morning, March 26, 2015. You think you know how much you are going to hurt but you can't fully register it until it happens.

His Alzheimer's was going to take his life but it happened so much sooner and suddenly that I ever imagined. 

Now I am left devastated and regretting so much, wishing I had been a better wife when he was well. 

I am moving to South Dakota next week. Never been there but I have lady pastor friend who will help me get back on my feet. I covet your prayers. 
  • Mood: Sorrow

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:iconlady-yume:
Lady-Yume Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2014   Writer
Hello,

Thank you so much for wandering through my gallery and adding my work to your +devwatch!

Heart
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:iconschieben:
Schieben Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy Birthday! Have your cake and eat it too Party
Hope you have a good one! :) (Smile)
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconbrokenopen:
BrokenOpen Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013
I don't know if you will see this, or even if you remember me, but I just wanted to say that I am still alive and still remember you and Kirsten. Life has taken a crazy road for me and that is why I don't come on DA anymore. But I am still here and I wanted to say hi.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconben13th:
BEN13th Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for faving my "What is beauty?" piece! 
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:iconhamish-frost:
Hamish-Frost Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013
thank you :heart:
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:iconschieben:
Schieben Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy Birthday! :cake:
Hope you have a good one! :)
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(2 Replies)
:iconice-or-fire:
ice-or-fire Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013
Hello!:iconomgcakeplz:
Happy [early] birthday!
May the best of your wishes be the least of what you get!
Reply
(2 Replies)
:iconadrianna-grezak:
Adrianna-Grezak Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
Thank you for fav-ing my homage to MC Escher! Feel free to follow me on Facebook [link] by clicking the "Like" button!
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:iconbirthdays:
birthdays Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2012
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

On behalf of the *birthdays team, I sincerely apologise that your greeting has arrived late this year.

We hope you had an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love:

---
Birthdays Team
This birthday greeting was brought to you by: =icesis

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:iconanime116:
anime116 Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2012  Student General Artist
happy birthday! i hope everything is going your way
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