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I thought there was hope. I thought we were "this close" to moving to Fargo by the end of October, but past credit issues haunt and prevent us from having better medical care. My husband is going to die waiting on the damn state of Florida to give him Mediciaid. He's on the waiting list.
I've raised a decent amount of money. There was an article about us on Sept 8th in the local Fargo paper, Inforum. Then another in an online site called AlzLive.
I tried to give up but folks say to keep trying. How can I overcome the past credit issues. I'm in overwhelm. Everyone has a great idea for a site I should check out. Wasted time. Chasing lost causes and rainbows.
I hate Florida.
My mom, also with advanced Alzheimers, is in the hospital getting a pacemaker. What a stupid notion but my half brothers and sisters are in charge. If that were me, I'd want to die and be free of the body. I haven't lived with her since I was 8. She is my mother in name and biology only.
I've raised a decent amount of money. There was an article about us on Sept 8th in the local Fargo paper, Inforum. Then another in an online site called AlzLive.
I tried to give up but folks say to keep trying. How can I overcome the past credit issues. I'm in overwhelm. Everyone has a great idea for a site I should check out. Wasted time. Chasing lost causes and rainbows.
I hate Florida.
My mom, also with advanced Alzheimers, is in the hospital getting a pacemaker. What a stupid notion but my half brothers and sisters are in charge. If that were me, I'd want to die and be free of the body. I haven't lived with her since I was 8. She is my mother in name and biology only.
queen of tears
March is over. I hate March. Between my daughter's birthday and my birthday, even snow...nothing can obviate the darkness that is Chris' death anniversary. I spent Easter as I did Christmas. Alone. Scavenging the freezer since it's the end of the month. No candy Fred didn't want to bother. To him Easter is not legit since it's not in the Bible. Good grief. Why is it my totally non Christian friends are more thoughtful about Christmas and Easter than he is? I hang on to my faith by a thread or God hangs onto me by a thread. There's a song by Heize. Hold Me Back, from a Kdrama OST. It's filled with such longing. It perfectly reflects the couple's struggle in the drama. But the lyrics....stick in my throat. The words will have to echo for the eternity I must wait before I see Chris again.
Heart of glass?
My ex husband wanted to be friends on Facebook last year. I was hesitant because this had never gone well when we tried it in the past. Then, I came to understood why he was insistent He is dying. We communicate about our daughter. He was never involved in her life. He didn't know how. He frequently posts those FB quizzes that are so annoying. I guess he sleeps a lot and then is bored. The other day he posted talking about one leaves nothing behind but memories and asked his FB friends to post one word about how they met. I posted "motorcycle." Per the post, I posted it on my FB. Here he began posting details about our first meeting and date etc. Then he talked about after we were married and lived in Fort Lauderdale and how much fun we had there. You never expect your ex husband to reminisce fondly about your time together. I'm surprised his wife isn't snooping. She seems jealous and controlling. I don't know what it's like to have cancer and know you are going to die.
Fate makes the best trope
Wednesday was another horrible day for me and my family. One of the things is that I found out: my apartment is instituting a new policy that cats must be declawed. Animal abuse much. Not surprising in this damn state. I couldn't do that to any cat especially my sensitive eight year old kitty. It would kill her. I cannot betray her that way. What do I do? I don't have the money to move to another city but even if I did, how can I leave Fred and my daughter and grandchildren? I don't know what's going to happen. I'm pretty sure they want to convert this 55 plus community to market rate housing. I needed an escape. I've been watching a couple C dramas but I felt the need for a Kdrama. it's more familiar. More comforting so to speak. I randomly came across "Tell Me that You Love Me." I went into my FB group to ask opinions. Those who understand me said it's good but I should watch it another time. Why? Ultimately it has a happy ending. I watched the first and last episodes. It made me
deja NO not again
After over a week of subzero temps, F and I went out on errands. 25 F felt almost warm. We were talking to a bank officer about a bunch of stuff and F got so confused. It wasn't easy for me but it was worse for him. As we pulled out of the bank heading for the UPS store, he was turning left but I said I was sure the UPS store was to the right. Near McDonalds. He seemed so confused. I've always been "wrong way Lauren" and he was always right. This time I was right. How long did I run interference for Chris before it was impossible to do anymore? I can't remember. How long before F gets lost going home and drives back roads for hours without his phone? My heart hurts and I am so sad...and afraid...again... I'll never forget a hike in July 2005 with me, Chris and my daughter in New Mexico. The day was coming to the end and we were nowhere near the end of the trail. I was the only one with a cool head. I'm so used to being the dependent, helpless one. It's scary when I'm the
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